The Small Stuff

I am writing to you at 3:48 in the morning. 

No, I do not have insomnia. No, I did not just come home for a late night out with friends. No, I do not have to wake up super early to go somewhere.

I’m at the hospital.

Up to and including this point, I have been blessed enough to never have to be admitted into the hospital. I wish I could say the same for my fiance.

On Tuesday night, Roland suffered from sharp pains in the abdomen. Having experienced similar pain a few times before, he bore through it and went to work the next day. He had no fever, felt no nausea, and his appetite was fine. Wednesday and Thursday, the pain subsided, but on Thursday night, it returned. After bearing through another long day of work, he finally went to the doctor without an appointment. They suspected appendicitis. But then again, he had no fever, felt no nausea, and his appetite was fine — contrary to most of the popular symptoms of appendicitis. Plus, his white blood cell count was normal.

Still, they sent him to the ER in a small hospital close to where he lives. I met him there at around midnight and, shortly after I got there, he had his cat scan. And the results came back.

Appendicitis.

It’s currently 4:01 AM and his surgery is scheduled for three hours from now. We moved from ER to the (very empty) pediatric ward. (It feels like a suite compared to the little dingy ER room… I’ve got a comfy chair, and an en-suite bathroom. Heaven in a hospital!)

Frankly, I feel like I should add something of more substance. You know, something like how the wedding is only two weeks away and all of a sudden, the groom has appendicitis.

But, really, I’m not worried. Maybe it’s because it’s 4:07, and I am exhausted. But, maybe it’s because my God is in control and He knows what he’s doing. He’s got a plan. And, really, it’s all for the better. Of course, I wonder why He couldn’t have waited until after the honeymoon. Of course, I wonder where the money will come from. Of course, I wonder how we’re going to move into our new apartment next week, how we’re going to do everything we need to do in time, how quickly he will recover.

But do I worry? No.

God has been teaching me a lot this week about worry, how I shouldn’t do it. He’s been putting things in my life that increase my stress level, and He’s saying, “do you trust Me?”

“It is not only wrong to worry, it is unbelief; worrying means we do not believe that God can look after the practical details of our lives, and it is never anything but those details that worry us.”

(My Utmost For His Highest, May 23: Our Careful Unbelief)

You see, Jesus said in Matthew 6:25, “. . . do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on.”

It’s so easy to do it, but don’t sweat the small stuff. God’s got it all figured out, and the only thing He requires is to “seek first His kingdom and righteousness, and all this things will be added on to you” (6:33).

Anyway, this is where the healing begins.

Marriage as a Partnership

I know it’s been forever since I last wrote. I hate that because I feel like I can never continue something I start! However, school is finished (thank the Lord!) and the wedding is in four (that’s 4!) weeks!

Having the time to think about it leads to even more thinking. I have 30 minutes for my wedding ceremony. Thirty short minutes. There’s so much I want to do!

Last fall, at one point when I was ranting on about not being engaged, I talked about marriage… I talked about why it is important to God, and that I shouldn’t feel that something so seemingly simple in the grand scheme of things is too small that it should be overlooked to my Father in heaven. My marriage to Roland is the closest I can get to the relationship that I, as a follower of Christ, have with my Savior.

That being said, on my wedding day, although I will be the one walking down the aisle with the pretty white dress, I don’t want it to be about me. I want it to be about us. And I don’t mean just me and Roland. I mean me, Roland, and the God who fashioned us in His image, who redeemed us from death, and who brought us together. And, really, I want to display that throughout the wedding ceremony. And with thirty minutes, there’s only so much you can do!

We want prayer, communion, worship, Scripture reading (not in that particular order) amongst the vows and exchanging of rings and (of course) the kiss. [That being said, if there are any past brides out there who have performed this feat, please comment and teach me your ways!!] But I don’t want to just try to squeeze all of this into a thirty minute ceremony. While I want it there, I also want to keep it going throughout the rest of my life with Roland.

This marriage, although it can survive without Christ being the center, will never thrive unless He is. I can’t assure it will be easy. In fact, I can assure that it won’t be!

Bethany Dillon, the young woman wise beyond her years, whom I’ve also written about previously, explained it perfectly in her song Say Your Name:

I’m trying to find a moment with You
These days are speeding by
This ring gives me a new point of view
I’m a dealer in my time
And if I can make a confession
My time is torn between
The man who has won my affection
And the God who made me

In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul goes on one of his rants, which, in my opinion, are so fun to read. They’re usually confusing because He says a lot and sometimes it seems like He’s going around in circles, hence why it sounds more like a rant. But he just comes to the issue from every perspective. This one is about marriage…

To paraphrase, marriage is fine and everything, but if you’re not married, you really shouldn’t get married, because then you’ll be torn between focusing on your spouse and focusing on God. Then again, marriage isn’t bad, and by no means should you end your marriage if you aren’t married, because it is not a sin to be married. Oh, and if you can’t “contain yourself,” do yourself a favor and get married because it’s better to do that then to sin.

Confused yet?

Paul’s main point in all of this was that marriage, although it is a wonderful thing, really tears you from alone time with God.

So here I am. I want to have a wedding ceremony that blesses my God. But I have to continue that into my marriage if I want Him to bless the marriage. That means I can’t rely on Roland for everything. I’ve been guilty of doing it before. I’ve been let down. Because Roland, although he is a wonderful man and I am so in love with him, and he is in love with me, is simply incapable of knowing my every need and fulfilling them.

That’s why marriage is a partnership… two people coming together as one and communing with Jesus Christ.

Doubt.

I saw a video today that a friend of a friend posted. 

I’m not sure if you have ever heard Jose Luis de Jesus. I’ve never heard of him until about an hour ago. Since then, I’ve been doing research. 

This guy claims to be Jesus Christ reincarnate. He has a six-figure salary, he claims to be immortal, and he says that he is greater than Jesus because “He spoke in parables, I speak with wisdom.” He says sin and the devil are dead and the Ten Commandments are good statutes to live by here on earth but have no effect on the Kingdom of Heaven, since there is no hell.

Give me a break! This guy has got to brush up on his Bible skills!

This has me on the defensive for the Jesus Christ I know and love — it makes me feel so much closer to Him. Maybe because I just read some chapters in Matthew yesterday, it’s really fresh in my mind, and I have more of a rebuttal to Jose’s (I’m first-naming him, as I am Jesus, also to avoid confusion) speakings.

My Jesus was a vagabond. He wandered the streets with no money and did not make for Himself a home. My Jesus spoke in parables for a reason, which He explicitly told his disciples — “they have ears but do not understand.” Jesus knew that the crowd of the people He was speaking to would not want to listen to Him if He had told them flat-out that that Heaven is filled with the “good” — the followers of Christ — and the “bad” — the ones who turned away from Him — would have to (to put it bluntly) burn in hell. Could you imagine telling someone that? Could you imagine being told that? What would you do? I’d be pretty turned off. Jesus knew this. So He told them the parable of the weeds. 

Jesus preached that sin was rampant, even cracking down on the basic laws of the Old Testament and making them harder to obey — killing was no longer ending someone’s life, it was saying something mean. He told the people that devil was alive and well, out to kill, steal, and destroy. He foretold His death. He knew that, as flesh and blood, He was not invincible to the most inevitable thing in the world. 

Now, tell me… why would Jesus say all these things and do all these things and then, two thousand years later, pull a 180? Why would He when the Lord is the same yesterday, today, and forever?

Anyway, I rolled my eyes at this Jose guy until I read something even more interesting…

He claimed to be the Antichrist.

This alarmed me. It made me wonder whether or not this was actually the antichrist that the Bible speaks about in the later books. I mean, you sort of have a psychological game going on: well, he sounds like the antichrist. But then again, why would the antichrist claim to be the antichrist? According to an article, he means, “that, as the second coming of Christ, he rejects the continued worship of Jesus of Nazareth.” 

Aside from these mind games, he went further. His followers are getting 666 tattooed on them.

That, to me, is unreal. Either this guy is actually fulfilling the prophesy of the antichrist as laid out in the Bible, or he’s doing a pretty good job at making a scene.

I honestly cannot believe that this is the Biblical prophesy being fulfilled. It’s all too blatant. It seems like I’m in a Left Behind movie, yet this guy rose up nothing like Nicolae Carpathia did…

But what’s it to me? I have a firm foundation of faith in my Lord Jesus Christ. I will not be swayed by this Jose. All I have to do is let my light shine to show the world the true Savior. I don’t have to preach against Jose Luis De Jesus — I just have to teach about my precious Jesus.

On June 30th of this year (there’s been a countdown for over a year now) Jose claims he will become immortal. He also claims that those with his number, 666, tattooed on them will also become immortal. They will be like radiation and not die, nor have a fear of the growing amount of radiation. He’s got his own website with his Nicolae Carpathia-like emblem that explains all that he teachers and “proof” that he is who he says he is.

Logical, yes, but I’m skeptical. Is this guy really the antichrist? Why is that that when I google his name, I have to get to the “de” part before it shows up in the suggestions — wouldn’t more people be falling for this? And wouldn’t newscasters and interviewers talk in favor of him and not mock or be skeptical of him? And, according to Revelation, isn’t the mark of the beast to occur midway into the Tribulation? If that’s the case, then the first half seemed a bit easy for the Tribulation, even in spite of everything that has happened.

To me, it’s easy to act. It’s easy to have in mind that you want fame and you’ll do any crazy thing to get it, even if it means calling yourself the antichrist. Either way, this guy is, at the very least, a false prophet, and we’re a day closer to the end times. 

Just be ready and get others ready for the actual second coming of Jesus Christ!

Joy!

I have to get to class in a bit, so I have only about fifteen minutes to write this.

For the first time in a while, I’ve been exceptionally stressed, to the point that I actually feel sick. I didn’t fall asleep until 3 in the morning last night because I have so much on my mind. This morning I was 30 minutes late to class because my morning was so messy. I could not find anything. I realized that I didn’t have my notebook five minutes after I left my house. I didn’t bother going to get it. I parked far to enjoy the beautiful Spring day, but I forgot my safety glasses in there. I have an assignment due yesterday that is only partially done because I am unable to focus which is only causing me more stress.  (All this talk is giving me a headache!)

Thankfully, my last class got out an hour early. I decided to go to the Starbucks on campus in the library.  I got a tall skim decaf cappuccino with one pump hazelnut and one pump vanilla. Despite my high-maintenance order, the barista made it perfectly. So I sat down and got out my macbook, took a sip of my drink, played songs from Phil Wickham’s latest album Response, and wrote up the lab that would have been in my lab notebook. After twenty minutes, all that was needed was for the document to be printed. So I decided to relax as I listened to the worship music. I could feel the stress melting away and I wished I had my Bible with me to just pour over the words and take comfort in them. 

Not having it with me, I checked out my favorite devotional: My Utmost For His Highest. These are the words for today:

In all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us —Romans 8:37

Paul was speaking here of the things that might seem likely to separate a saint from the love of God. But the remarkable thing is that nothing can come between the love of God and a saint. The things Paul mentioned in this passage can and do disrupt the close fellowship of our soul with God and separate our natural life from Him. But none of them is able to come between the love of God and the soul of a saint on the spiritual level. The underlying foundation of the Christian faith is the undeserved, limitless miracle of the love of God that was exhibited on the Cross of Calvary; a love that is not earned and can never be. Paul said this is the reason that “in all these things we are more than conquerors.” We are super-victors with a joy that comes from experiencing the very things which look as if they are going to overwhelm us.

Huge waves that would frighten an ordinary swimmer produce a tremendous thrill for the surfer who has ridden them. Let’s apply that to our own circumstances. The things we try to avoid and fight against— tribulation, suffering, and persecution— are the very things that produce abundant joy in us. “We are more than conquerors through Him” “in all these things”; not in spite of them, but in the midst of them. A saint doesn’t know the joy of the Lord in spite of tribulation, but because of it. Paul said, “I am exceedingly joyful in all our tribulation” (2 Corinthians 7:4).

The undiminished radiance, which is the result of abundant joy, is not built on anything passing, but on the love of God that nothing can change. And the experiences of life, whether they are everyday events or terrifying ones, are powerless to “separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:39).

Tears rolled down my face as Phil Wickham’s Joy played in the background.

Joy. Unending joy.

I was filled with hope as I read and listened. Today, I’m stressed. My plate is full and I don’t know where to start. But I will get through this. By the skin of my teeth? Nay. As more than a conqueror. I have confidence that I will wake up tomorrow, stress-free, trusting that so long as I seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, all these things — the homework, the wedding prep, the responsibilities, the apartment-hunt — will be added on to me. No worries necessary. =)

 

Anyway, I’m off to buy some safety glasses. Thank God they’re only 4 bucks!

Wedding Update

I’ve been MIA for so long. And I feel terrible. I’m not vain enough to say I feel terrible for letting my avid readers down, but really, if you’ve been checking out my blog, craving a new post, I’m sorry!
I think I posted three times since I’ve gotten engaged, once per month, generally around this time. The first month’s gap was attributed mainly to finals and things of the sort and desperately wanting to plan a wedding but knowing that I had school to focus on. It was a rough month and if I wrote anything, it would have been to complain and vent out my stress.
This past month’s absence is 100% to do with the wedding.

Do you know how stressful planning a wedding can be? I’m sure that if you’ve been there/done that, you know. The crazy thing is I have a vision for my wedding: elegant, but laid-back. I never knew how stressful laid-back can be!
I think I’m the stressful one though. I’m so incredibly fickle! And, of course, I always end up at square one when I feel like I’m getting somewhere. You know when you don’t know what to wear, and you put on an outfit, but for whatever reason, you try on ten more before you stick with the original one? That’s how it is for the wedding.
So far, I have my wedding day outfit (dress, shoes, jewelry, etc) — bought the dress the first time I went shopping — and we booked a photographer yesterday — first one we met with, because sometimes, you just know. Caterers for a backyard wedding, though, are not as easy. We’ve met a few. The ones that come in way below budget don’t give us the elegant look we want. The ones that get our vision are out of our budget! I guess it’s fair, but it doesn’t help the head when you’re crunching numbers.
The hard part is, how do you tell someone no?

Roland was my only boyfriend, so I never had to break up with someone. And I feel like I’m breaking up with these vendors! And it’s easy when you ignore them and they get the picture, but when they’re looking for your business, they’re so persistent and you don’t know how to gently let them down!

I’ll add to this more in a bit, but I have a class now. I know it’s a pathetic post, but I couldn’t go any longer without writing anything!